I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
