If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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