level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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