This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
how drunk are you?
Several
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
