If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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