here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
