it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
