I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
