Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
