I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
