Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Randomize
