once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
