hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
