I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
