Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
