y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
