I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
