On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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