hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She's the barista slut.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
