We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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