Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
