my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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