I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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