Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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