Don't make out with my wife yet
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
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