I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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