you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize