gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
