I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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