i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
