I will die if light touches me.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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