My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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