dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
