new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
