Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
