well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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