Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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