those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize