Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
