I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it because I queefed?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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