I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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