I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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