I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you win again, gameday.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
