Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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