I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
