I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
