I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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