I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
