My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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