I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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