she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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