her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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