This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
