I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
