i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
