I just pynch a tree in the face
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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