I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
