Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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