I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
