How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
