Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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