Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Are we still banned from the library?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
